Picture this: you’re going through the difficult aftermath of a breakup, feeling deeply hurt and spending months recovering from the end of your relationship. You slowly start to heal, picking yourself back up, exploring new things, and beginning to feel like yourself again. Just as you’re starting to feel a sense of peace, your ex suddenly reaches out to you.
It’s natural if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Receiving a message or social media notification from an ex can bring up strong emotions, often resurfacing memories you may have worked hard to put behind you. In fact, the experience of an ex reaching out can even activate areas of the brain associated with processing pain, according to clinical psychologist Dr. Beth Kurland.
“When we go through a breakup and then receive a message from an ex, it can reactivate those old feelings,” Kurland explained to Elite Daily. “We often still crave the closeness we once felt with this person, which is part of why it can be so difficult to fully let go of a past relationship. In some cases, it can even become a bit of an obsession.”
If your ex’s message seems random or lacks a clear purpose, like a direct question or genuine invitation to reconnect, there’s a good chance they’re “leading someone on”—a term for when someone drops small “crumbs” of attention without any intention of taking things further, as dating expert Bela Gandhi explains. In such cases, the attention is often sporadic and may be meant to keep you interested without real plans.
So, what should you do if an ex unexpectedly contacts you years later? Here are some insights from women who’ve experienced this:
1. Finding humor in the situation:
One woman shared that an ex from four years ago reached out to her unexpectedly, complaining about his dating life. Her fiancé found it amusing, and she decided to stop responding after realizing there was no real purpose to the message.
2. Setting clear boundaries:
Another woman recounted how her first love, who had broken her heart repeatedly, reached out after two years. Without offering an apology, he merely wanted to “check up on her.” She firmly told him not to contact her again, recognizing that it was better for her peace of mind.
3. Deciding to move forward completely:
One person shared that her ex would occasionally reach out over several years. After initially chatting out of curiosity, she eventually chose to remove him from social media entirely, realizing it was time to let go.
4. Unsettled by social media “watching silently”:
Some have noticed exes watching their social media stories without actually reconnecting. One woman found it uncomfortable that her ex would view her Instagram stories, even though he didn’t follow her, years after their breakup.
5. Getting messages at difficult moments:
One individual shared that her ex contacted her during her grandmother’s funeral. While she politely replied, she felt no need to continue the conversation, knowing that she had moved on.
6. Receiving heartfelt apologies:
Some people have received sincere messages from past partners expressing regret. One woman’s ex contacted her after taking a university course that inspired him to apologize for his behavior. Although she appreciated the sentiment, they chose not to reconnect.
7. Setting boundaries after an apology:
Another woman received an apology from her ex a year after their breakup. While she was glad to get the acknowledgment, she declined his request to be friends, choosing instead to move on.
8. When reconnections lead to positive outcomes:
One woman shared how a high school boyfriend reconnected with her years later. They caught up casually, found they still had a connection, and eventually started dating again.
9. Casual contact without meetups:
Sometimes, amicable breakups lead to occasional check-ins. One woman said that she and her ex exchange emails every few months, enjoying updates on each other’s lives without meeting up in person.
Of course, everyone’s experience is different, and the best response depends on your unique situation. You can consider the experiences shared by others, but trust your instincts when deciding how to handle a surprise message from a former partner.
